Forever
by calenlily
Summary: The story of B/A, told in vignettes, drabbles, and poems covering crucial episodes. Pre-series, Angel, When She Was Bad, What's My Line, Surprise, Passion, Anne, Bad Girls, The Prom, Graduation Day, IWRY, Sanctuary, Future. Re-posted as a single story.
1. At First Glance

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.

A/N: Giganto ramble explaining this project that is thankfully restricted to the first chapter - This is story is not actually a coherent fic, but rather a series of one-shots in a variety of genres (drabbles, poetry, vignettes, etc.), spanning the length of the show and each centered on a crucial point in the B/A relationship. Seem like a weird concept? Well, here's the story: I made myself a B/A fanmix on my iPod a while back. (Actually, I then went on to make a playlist with a song for every single episode in the show, because that's just the kind of crazy fangirl I am, but that's beside the point.) And then one day I was listening to it and the idea of writing a fic to go with every song on the list (or at least corresponding to the same episode, they're not necessarily particularly connected to the music itself). And then the idea spiraled out of control and turned into a full multimedia project with graphics and everything. That version will hopefully be up on my livejournal (calenfic.) soon, but since doesn't allow anything more than text, I have here the basic version - the fics, with samples of corresponding lyrics to at least provide the tone of the music.

Loyal readers of _Innocence Rewrite_, don't worry, I'm still working on that. It's just I had to get this out to stop the plot-bunnies from eating alive, and to try and sate my muse's roving eye.

This section set pre-series - Angel's first sight of Buffy. Drabble.

**Part 1: At First Glance**

_All the lives I've lived before  
__None of them I'd ever turn to__  
Know what I've been searching for  
When I see you smile_  
- June Tabor and the Oyster Band, "Pain or Paradise"

One glance. He watched for as long as possible, but it only took that first glance to be utterly captivated.

He'd seen a lot in his existence – though admittedly not so much in the last century – but he'd never seen anything like this Slayer with the sunshine smile and her fragile heart on her sleeve.

He didn't know what he'd expected when Whistler abruptly appeared to meddle in his life (such as it was). But he did know go to the ends of the earth to protect this girl. And he'd found his destiny today as much as she had.


	2. Weakness

A/N: This section set during _Angel_. Buffy reflects on emotion and duty. Drabble.  
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm out of catchy ways to say it.

**Part 2: Weakness**

_Sparkling Angel  
I believe  
__You are my savior  
__In my time of need__  
Blinded by faith  
I couldn't hear  
All of the whispers  
The warning so clear_  
- Within Temptation, "Angels"

Maybe she'd expected too much. Maybe … no, not maybe. _She'd been_ a fool to hope.

But she couldn't help it. The heart was funny like that.

Damnit, the Slayer couldn't afford schoolgirl infatuations! Definitely not more. Especially not with vampires. (Not even tall, dark, and hottie … see? Weakness.)

She thought of the jolt Xander's words had given her (_…not like you're in love with him…_) as she realized she _was_. Her attempts at denial (_…can a vampire ever be a good person?…_). What happened to her mom – she needed that rage.

Because she still wasn't sure she could do this.


	3. Comfort

Disclaimer: You know plenty well who it belongs to. That's not me.  
A/N: This part set during _When She Was Bad_. Just my take on one of my favorite B/A scenes ever (and it's not even a particularly romantic one).

**Part 3: Comfort**

_Then silent tears fast flowing  
When someone stood beside  
A hand upon my shoulder  
I knew the touch was kind  
He drew me near and nearer  
We neither spoke one word_  
- Solas, "I Wandered by a Brookside"

When the fight was over, when the vamps were dusted and my friends were safe, it still felt as if there was something missing. As if the job were somehow incomplete. I looked around and without really thinking about it, I realized what I had to do. I lifted the large mallet, turned to the table, and brought it crashing down onto the Master's bones.

_Smash. Clang. Crash._ Every blow was a kind of release. For months I'd locked up my emotions. I had tried to forget the day that I'd died, refusing to allow myself to feel. Even when I'd been fighting, it had been almost mechanical. But now I was acting in a haze of pure emotion and adrenaline. I took it all out on the skeleton until it was crushed nearly to powder and the mallet dropped from my limp hands.

And then I broke down. The mask was gone, the rage was gone, and the reality of it truly hit me. I felt empty and spent. Only the ever-present need to be the strong one kept me from collapsing or crying out. Then I felt a cool hand on my shoulder. Angel. I hadn't even noticed his approach, but there he stood behind me, his gentle touch a wordless offer of comfort. As he drew me into his arms, I crumpled and sobbed until I was sure there were no more tears left in me.

I believe in the power of single moments: how everything can change from one instant to the next, how time can freeze and one second seems to encompass the whole world. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. At that point, things just felt right. For once, I felt safe and protected. It was like a weight had been lifted from me. The place was so quiet that all I could hear was the frantic beating of my own pounding heart. And in that moment, for the first time in months, I knew peace.


	4. Her Angel

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.  
A/N: This part set around the time of _What's My Line_, though not really connected with a particular episode. This was, incidentally, the first BtVS fic I ever wrote. Double drabble.

**Part 4: ****Her Angel**

_Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?  
Would you run, and never look back?  
Would you cry, if you saw me crying?  
Would you save my soul tonight?_  
- Enrique Inglesias, "Hero"

He had a way of appearing, of slipping out of the night so that she didn't even notice he was there until he had been standing behind her for several minutes. He silently watched, patiently waiting for her to see him but never calling attention to himself. There were times when he nearly faded into the night, but the important thing was that he was there. No matter what, she could practically always count on his presence.

She had once teased him that being stalked really was not a turn-on for her, but in truth she thought it was sweet how he watched over her. Whether it was as a friend to talk to (and perhaps argue with) on a long dull night of uneventful patrol, an ally to watch her back in a fight, or a shoulder to cry on when she was physically and emotionally drained after a particularly difficult slaying, when she needed him, he was always there for her. He was her rock, a support and protector, watching over her like a guardian angel. It was ironic to think of him, a creature of the night, as such, but that's what he was - her Angel.


	5. Surprise Me

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.  
A/N: The end of _Surprise_. Need I say more?  
Incidentally, this was really not what I had intended to right for this part. I was thinking hot. Instead, I got sweet. I swear, my muse seriously has a mind of her own some days. But I think it came out really well anyway, so what does it matter? Anyways, enjoy.

**Part 5: Surprise Me**

_Past the point of no return__  
No going back now  
Our passion-play is now, at last, begun…_  
- The Phantom of the Opera, "Point of No Return"

I was freezing. Oh God was I soaked and freezing. _When did the rain get so damn cold?_ I wondered miserably. I suppose it's kind of funny that I'm used to all kinds of injuries from fighting vamps and assorted demons every night, yet I can't handle a little chill. What can I say; I'm a California girl. My cold tolerance is absolutely nil.

I wasn't paying attention to where I was going at all, so it's a good thing Angel was guiding us. Next thing I knew, we were walking into his apartment. Inside, I felt slightly warmer and infinitely safer, but I was still shivering like hell.

He noticed too. "You're shaking like a leaf," he said concernedly.

"Cold," I mumbled. _Nice, Buffy. Real intelligent response there._

So he said, "Lemme get you something," and handed me a bundle of dry clothes to put on. He told me to change out of my wet clothes and get under the covers. Just to keep warm, of course. We both knew _that_ perfectly well, but it was still awkward.

Especially since Angel was still watching me. I gave him an expectant look.

A flash of understanding and a guilty look passed over his face as he turned away. "Sorry."

I reached up to pull off my sodden shirt, but stopped when a small starburst of pain exploded in my shoulder. I flinched and did not quite manage to stifle a small involuntary cry.

"What?!" he snapped, his voice coming out harsher due perhaps to panic and concern. We're both so on edge from our recent close call that we've been jumping at every shadow.

I hasten to reassure him. "Oh, um, it's okay; I just have a cut or something.

He just watched me for a moment, then asked awkwardly, "Can I-" He faltered. "Lemme see."

"Okay," I replied hesitantly, then wondered why I was so leery of it. It was nothing we hadn't done before; inspection of wounds was a matter of course. Maybe it was just the heightened tensions of this night. And probably the other tensions were because I was sitting on his bed and from the way his first words to me when we got inside had come out. (Come to think of it, we'd had a lot of perfectly innocent comments come out sounding wrong over the past few days. It would be rather amusing if it weren't so embarrassing.)

And even so, he was only concerned for my well-being; it's not like it was anything inappropriate. And why was I so hung up on that? I didn't even know how much was allowable at this stage in our relationship. Probably quite a bit: wasn't I saying to Willow just yesterday morning how "I think we're going to seize it"?

I was distracted from that train of thought by the sensation of Angel's cool fingers sliding over my back. It felt sooo nice. He touched on the stinging cut on my shoulder, and reassured me, "It's already closed. You'll be fine."

He started to pull back, and I missed the touch as his fingers moved away. Suddenly I realized how much it meant to me, just being there with him. "You almost went away today," I murmured, leaning into him to prolong the contact.

He paused, looked straight at me. "We both did."

I hadn't thought about it that way at all, but he was right. I hadn't seen it coming, but this had become a moment of truth. I had to say something. "Angel, I feel like I lost you. You're right though, we can't be sure of anything."

"Shhh…" he quieted me, then began brokenly, "I-"

"You what?" I prompted him.

He seemed to struggle for a moment, searching for words or sorting out emotions. "I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop," he confessed.

_Ohmygod!_ He's not usually forthcoming with emotions, or words at all, so a statement like that is unprecedented as it is. Let alone…. I thought I was just being a silly little schoolgirl, falling so hard for him. To know he feels the same way…. (Damn, now I can't even finish a thought.) All I could do was reply, "Me, me too. I can't either."

I scooted closer to him. When we kissed, there was a fire there, a passion, that had never been there before. The kind of intensity that could so easily spiral out of control. I didn't know where this intensity of desire had come from, but it felt so right. I pressed myself against him, driven by a desperate need to _feel_.

Angel started to pull away. "Buffy, maybe we shouldn't."

What to say? My instincts were pulling at me in too many different directions. _Yes. No. I love you. I want you. I need you. I'm scared._ "Don't. Just kiss me," I heard myself say.


	6. Art

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.  
A/N: This part set during _Passion_. Because I adored the creepy drawing pictures scene at the beginning. Drabble.  
Once upon a time I had this idea to write a B/A drabble for each letter of the alphabet. I got about a dozen done and realized that nearly all of them sucked. But I liked this one.

**Part 6: Art**

_Would you mind if I killed you?  
Would you mind if I tried to?_  
'_Cause you have turned into my worst enemy  
You carry hate that I don't feel  
It's over now, what have you done?_  
- Within Temptation, "What Have You Done?"

I still tried to deny to myself the truth of the matter. It was simply too painful to believe that he wasn't my Angel anymore, that the man I had known was gone and wasn't coming back.

That's why my first instinct was still to run to him. That's why his touch as I slept slipped pleasantly into my dreams.

But when he left a drawing of me on my bed as evidence of his stalking, that was just creepy. As I studied the (admittedly beautiful) likeness, I took the first step towards moving on.

But I kept the sketch.


	7. Just You

Disclaimer: Not mine and all that, blah, blah, blah. The song is _Just You_ by Solas, a very lovely Celtic band.  
A/N: This part set between seasons 2 and 3, maybe around the beginning of _Anne_. Yes, it's a songfic. I know they're generally looked down on, but this song just seemed too perfect. I'm not good at denying the plot bunnies. (It was bound to happen sometime; I'm always listening to music and usually looking for some connection to my current fandom.) Hopefully it's a decent fic anyway.

**Part 7: Just You**

Buffy woke in a small apartment in LA to see the sun rising over a world that looked dull and washed out to her eyes. She'd been dreaming of _him_ again. It was still so hard to comprehend that he was gone. She was lost without Angel. That's why she'd run; she'd thought it would be easier if she could just get away from the memories, but she was haunted by dreams of her lost lover.

_I'll never again be there when you waken, Be there when you open your eyes  
I'll never again hear the words that you whisper  
I'll never again see you smile._

Despite everything she'd done to get away, she couldn't forget, couldn't let go. She saw him everywhere, dreamed of him every night. He was so constantly in her thoughts that it was almost like he was still with her. It wasn't like anyone else was there for her. She'd lost everything else in that last day. Losing Angel – permanently this time – had been the last straw.

_But you will be there when I'm closing my eyes  
Still in my thoughts, still on my mind  
Holding my hand when there's nobody there_

She was doing the best that she could to go on with her life. She told herself that each day was just a little easier to face than the last, and some days she even believed it. Sometimes she could even forget that she was living a lie. Perhaps it was for the best that she had all these thoughts of Angel. Buffy was used to always being the strong one, but she kept stumbling lately. At least in her dreams she had someone to support her.

_It's taken me a while just to go on as normal,  
You've taken the light from my eyes  
But I know that you're with me whenever I falter,  
Lately that's most of the time._

She wondered how it had come to this. How could things have gone so wrong? She was sure that Fate was off somewhere having a good laugh at their expense. She lost Angel to his demon for months, then she'd barely gotten him back long enough to comprehend it when she lost him again. And this time it was even more her fault than before. And this time he was in some hell dimension and there was no way of getting him back.

She'd been dealt a pretty sucky lot in life, what with the whole Chosen One thing and all. She'd dealt, and for a while she'd even thought things were pretty good. And then she lost it all. Just when she'd achieved happiness, it had just slipped away.

_I can't understand how it happened this way  
Was this the plan from the very first day?  
I once had it all, now it's slipping away._

So here she was, miles away from home and friends (if they were even that to her anymore), living under a false name because she could no longer face up to her life. Desperately trying to forget, but unable to let go because the memories were all she had left. And longing, always longing for all that she had lost. She wondered bleakly how much longer she could go on like this.

Buffy glanced back out at the sun rising over the city. She gave in for a moment, pausing in her morning routine to flop back onto her bed and send a desperate mental plea up to the Powers That Be. "I'll do anything you want, just give me my Angel back!"

_And all I wanted was  
All I wanted was you  
All I wanted was you  
Just you._


	8. UST

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.  
A/N: This part set just before _Bad Girls_. Because 3rd season B/A can totally be summed up in the words _Unresolved Sexual Tension_.

**Part 8: UST**

_'Cause every time we touch, I get this feeling__  
And every time we kiss, I swear I could fly  
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last  
Need you by my side_  
- Cascada, "Everytime We Touch"

Some days, Buffy really hated her life. Considering she felt compelled to bring that up, it went without saying today was one of those days.

Her life seemed to comprise entirely of four things: struggling with school, slaying, juggling the above with making time for her mother and friends, …and unresolved sexual tension.

It was that last that bothered her today. She was utterly sick of "look but don't touch". Spending time with Angel was almost more frustration than pleasure nowadays. (Damn idiotic gypsies!)

Maybe she'd just take Faith up on her offer to "show ya how to cut loose".


	9. Break

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.  
A/N: This part set during _The Prom_. Angsty breakup poetry.

**Part 9: Break**

_Deep within I'm shaken by the violence  
Of existing for only you  
I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do__  
I know I can't be with youI do what I have to do  
And I have the sense to recognize that  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go_  
- Sarah McLachlan, "Do What You Have to Do"

I think I've been broken,  
Shattered,  
Crushed.  
It's over.  
It's over.  
How can it be over?  
When did forever end?  
Have I been living in a dream world?  
Dancing in a soap bubble,  
So dazzled by the rainbows before my eyes  
I was shocked when it burst?  
The crust of salt tracks down my cheeks,  
Scars of the deluge,  
Prove this can't be just a bad dream.

I was too shocked to reply  
As he listed his reasons.  
Reasons?  
Paper-thin excuses, really.  
So much I should have said,  
I wish I'd said,  
I never said.  
There's a word for it, even.  
Espirit d'escalier.  
But the reason we don't speak of –  
The elephant in the living room,  
The fear we skirt around –  
I can't argue with.  
So I can't combat the flimsy excuses,  
Or his accursed nobility complex…  
So I let him walk away…  
So I let myself fall to pieces.

"You only hurt the ones you love."  
Trite, but true.  
Too true.  
No one ever hurt me like he has.  
A year ago  
(A world ago),  
My ingenuous best friend  
Stumbled over the word "date".  
I wanted to laugh.  
Today I understand:  
How syllables can stick in the throat,  
Words feel awkward and ungainly to the tongue,  
As I gag on "ex".  
This isn't right.  
This cannot be.  
What happened to always?  
How can I comprehend?  
I think I've been broken.


	10. Agony and Ecstacy

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so. Oh, and the lyrics quoted are from "Me and a Gun" by Tori Amos. (Which I highly recommend. Absolutely beautiful, haunting song.)  
A/N: This part set during _Graduation Day Part 2_. Incidentally, this is probably my favorite fic in this series. It's my take on what Buffy was thinking during the bite scene. (Well, either this or 'coherent thought? what coherent thought?' But that doesn't make much of a fic.)  
Note: I'm not totally sure on the rating of this section, it may have moved into 'M' territory.

**Part 10: Agony and Ecstasy**

_Now you're sleeping peaceful__  
I lie awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And we'll see another day…  
Hold on, hold on to yourself  
For this is gonna hurt like hell_  
- Sarah McLachlan, "Hold On"

_How cliché,_ was her first thought, because the only way to describe it was _agony and ecstasy_. As his fangs sunk into her flesh, she expected and braced for the pain, but the pleasure took her by surprise, and that was what threatened to undo her. Which, come to think of it, was a pretty good metaphor for their relationship in general, at least in recent times – and which probably said something about why they kept getting themselves into so much trouble. And wow was her mind going all sorts of odd places.

On the other hand, maybe that was a good thing, because at least it distracted her from the unexpected and overwhelming eroticism of the moment.

So she focused on the bizarreness of her thought processes, and a snatch of lyrics from some song she'd heard on the radio one time floated into her head. "You can laugh, it's kind of funny/ Things you think at times like this/ Like 'I haven't seen Barbados, so I must get out of this'." Maybe strange thoughts weren't so strange in life-or-death situations. She tried to recall what she'd thought before she died two years ago, but came up blank. She suspected she'd been too scared to think at all. And concluded that it didn't matter, did then compare to now. Now, when what was supposed to be so wring felt so right, so good.

And the whole distraction technique was turning out to be an utter failure. How could it be otherwise, when she'd fallen fully under him, and unbidden her mouth opened in a silent scream, and there was a wild throbbing between her legs, so strong it was impossible to ignore – and she was fairly sure good Slayers, normal Slayers, didn't get off on vampire bites, but then she'd burned the "good Slayer's don't" list at least two years ago because none of that ever mattered to her when Angel was involved. Normal Slayers also didn't turn against the Council, forget about the impending Apocalypse, and offer their lives to save a vampire. (She wondered about the Slayer whose sacrifice, recorded in Giles's books, had taught them how to cure the Killer of the Dead. _Was her story anything like mine?_) And this time she doubted she was just being a typical "young girl in love" (as she had heard her actions described many times before) either, for she doubted a normal girl would give everything to save a guy who was leaving her and shattered her heart into a million jagged pieces (and here she was falling into cliché again, but that was the best description she could think of for how she felt).

Maybe she was just a double anomaly. Because she would gladly do it all again in an instant.

In fact, though even now she doubted it would actually come to that, she would almost prefer to die like this. Maybe she had a bit of a deathwish. But that might well be inevitable when one dealt death every night. Certainly there was a sense of peace in the prospect of not having to go save the world yet again. She'd already given him everything else she had, why not her life? She valued his life far above her own, and screw the consequences or the opinions of others. To go out in this pleasure, this closeness greater than they'd been able to have in over a year (possibly greater than that, even, and if only he could be buried inside her it would be perfect)….

There went her capacity for coherent thought again, gone in a pulse of pleasure so overwhelming that she spasmed violently, crushing a metal vase in one hand and shattering a wooden table with a kick of a leg. Caught up in her release, she didn't even notice how weak and lightheaded she'd become from loss of blood before she lost consciousness altogether.


	11. Weep Not For the Memories

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so. The song is _I Will Remember You_, written by Sarah McLachlan, Seamus Egan, and Dave Merenda. (Most people know it as a Sarah McLachlan song, but I prefer the version that Solas does.)  
A/N: This part set after _IWRY_. This series was supposed to be all within canon, but for some reason it was like pulling teeth to get my muse to do _IWRY_, so I took what I could get. Which is, incidentally, why I broke my promise to myself never to write another songfic - and come on, it's a song that the episode was rumored to be named after (and when you look at the lyrics, it's obvious why). _**Lyrics are in bold italics**_, to distinguish them from the _thoughts and memories in italics_.

**Part 11: Weep Not For the Memories**

Buffy flipped through stations on the radio as she sprawled on her dorm bed and tried to concentrate on homework. Country – ick!… metal – too loud… Celtic – ooh, kinda pretty. She listened for a minute or two, her mind wandering idly, and then the opening chords of a new song sounded.

_**Remember the good times that we had**  
**We let them slip away from us when things got bad**_

Now _that_ sounded familiar, she thought, remembering a certain dark vampire. _Gives up everything we had, and the worst part is he's convinced he's doing the right thing. Damn Angel and his damn nobility complex._ She shook her head. She really shouldn't be analyzing her relationship with Angel. That chapter in her life was over. _And I'm lying to myself and everyone else trying to think that I can ever get over him._ She tried to shake that uncomfortable thought away as well, and determinedly turned her mind to other things.

_**How clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun  
****Want to feel your warmth upon me, want to be the one**_

Unbidden, a fragment of memory flashed through her mind. _Kissing … on Santa Monica pier … in the bright sunlight … wait a minute, what?!_ That never happened – that was impossible.

_**I will remember you**__**  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by****  
Weep not for the memories**_

Memories. Why was she having false memories?

_**I'm so tired, but I can't sleep**  
**Standing on the edge of something much too deep**_

"_I want to stay awake so this day can keep happening."_

_**It's funny how we feel so much, but we cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside but we can't be heard**_

_Sitting at his kitchen table, calmly making inane conversation, desperately avoiding what they really wanted to say, all the greater issues that were suddenly so relevant again._

_**I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories**_

This was getting really odd. She'd been through a lot of creepy things, but some random song triggering memories of things that had never happened was a new one. What was going on? And why did these so obviously impossible events have such a ring of truth to them? Buffy began to wonder if she was going crazy.

_**I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose**_

"_So we'll just … take things slow."_

"_It's a good thing I haven't dreamed of you turning human about a million times, because I'd be really disappointed."_

_Hands brushing … losing control … a table breaking._

_**Once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had; you gave me light  
I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories  
I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories**_

_"There's not enough time!"_

"_I'll never forget … I'll never forget … I'll never forget."_

She remembered. Everything about that lost day came flooding back, and she remembered.

She barely thought to leave a note telling Willow what she was doing before she took off for LA. She was so mad, she could just about kill Angel for this stunt.

She mused with an ironic laugh that she was right about where she'd started in her thinking. _Damn Angel and his damn nobility complex._

_** "I Will Remember You", Solas (or Sarah McLachlan, take your pick, it's the same song; the McLachlan version is better known, but I prefer the Solas version)**_


	12. The Flip Side

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.  
A/N: This part set during _Sanctuary_.

**Part 12: The Flip Side**

_If you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Because your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_  
- Evanescence, "My Immortal"

Passion was dangerous. She ought to have learned that by now. The brighter the fire, the more chance one stood of being burned. Everything has a price.

The flip side of devotion is heartbreak. The flip side of trust is betrayal. The flip side of passionate love is passionate hate. Buffy was experiencing all three right now.

She was nothing if not well acquainted with the dangers of passion by now. She'd burned more than once in her relationship with Angel. But it was always more than worth it.

It wasn't worth it today. Everything about this visit had gone from bad to worse, and she was experiencing only the ugly flip side of all those emotions that still welled up, unbidden, and threatened to overwhelm her whenever she saw him again.

She was shocked and indignant when she was him helping Faith. _She'd_ been the one who kept trying to help her sister Slayer, and she'd only gotten betrayal – multiple betrayals – for her troubles. But by the time they reached the police station, she was a couple hundred degrees past pissed off, and it wasn't even about Faith anymore.

It was him calling her "no one" that finally made her crack. How could he be so cool, like none of this really mattered? She'd expected his anger. Heck, she'd _wanted_ his anger. At least it would show he cared. She couldn't deal with this indifference. Here she was, after a year of doing everything she could to forget him, after supposedly having moved on, and she was boiling over with rage because she still loved him so much it hurt to think about. Meanwhile, he was standing there like he didn't even care about her.

And so she did the only thing she could think of, the course of action she knew was idiotic and immature, if effective. In one last desperate attempt to provoke a response, to bring out some proof he cared, she tore into him with every cutting detail of her new life she could think of. If she was still this thrown by him, he was darn well gonna be thrown by her too.


	13. Unexpected

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm tired of coming up with catchy ways to say so.  
A/N: This part set post-series, some indeterminate time in the future. The other slight break from canon in this series, as future-fic is by definition speculative. I'm probably least happy with this section, but I couldn't just leave off with _Sanctuary_, now could I?

**Part 13: Unexpected**

_And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall  
Pour real life down on me_  
'_Cause I can't hold onto anything this good enough  
Am I good enough for you to love me too?_  
- Evanescence, "Good Enough"

She'd never expected  
This day to come  
This happiness

Those teenage years  
When she was carefree  
When she had hope

Seemed so long past  
A thousand years ago  
A million dreams ago

She'd never expected  
To feel that way again  
To get back what she'd lost

Though she sometimes spoke of it  
Babbling of cookies  
Speaking of someday

It was only a smokescreen  
Pretending to be content  
Reassuring she was alright

She'd never expected  
Content to come  
To truly be alright

And certainly not joy  
Real love regained  
Real hope realized

Yet here she was  
Out of the dark  
Out of mere dreams

She'd never expected  
Herself to feel ready for him  
Him to feel worthy of her

For months she waited and dreaded  
For it all to dissolve into nothing  
For the other shoe to drop

Finally she is simply grateful  
And basks in the bliss of peace  
And melts under his attentions


End file.
